Dear Xanga,

We are all gathered here today in this little blog to honor the death and celebrate the life of my Betta fish whom I fondly named Kai. We just met yesterday and I know it is considered a bit 'stupid' and 'childish' to be crying over "some stupid fish", but I don't know... I bonded with this little guy in less than a complete 24 hours. I received him yesterday night from my boyfriend who had won him in a carnival game (after asking said boyfriend to win a fish for me).

His original name was "Kooki" but then I changed his name to simply 'K' and then decided that in the end the name 'Kai' seemed to suit him just fine with his two past names being more of cute little nicknames that others could call him if they like those names better. He was not the prettiest of all the fish (I honestly though that the last fish being given out was the most handsome of them all and reminded me a lot of Jetta), but I quickly became fond of his fiery red scales and his shy demeanor.

Though out the entire evening as I drew and face painted for the carnival, there Kai was. He was a timid fella who hid in the bottom of his bag. I constantly prodded at him since I kept worrying that he'd suffocate himself by smashing his head in the corners of the bag, but luckily that was not the case for him as we continued rinsing and repeating that entire process throughout the whole Harajuku Carnival in the Den. Later we went to my boyfriend's house where we managed to untie the bag so that oxygen could flow into the water and Kai wouldn't die.

Before I closed my eyes, I looked over at Kai and prayed that he wouldn't just die overnight. He didn't.

I woke up in the morning with Kai on the headboard, still as shy as ever but still kicking. I was completely relieved and excited to just go home so he could be in a proper bowl. So I did, I took him home. I worried on the road to my house that he would freeze due to how cold it was outside, but he was a champ and still was 'kicking'. I tucked him under my coat as I waited for my mom to open the door and hunted all over my house for a place Kai could call 'home'.

I gradually adjusted him to his new environment and he looked happy. He swam around and then inspected the shells I added into his bowl. He seemed to like the fact that he had new things to hide behind and we were both content. I then checked the pet store across the street to see if it was open, but alas it wasn't so I prayed once more that Kai wouldn't starve while I reluctantly went to work (and missing yet another MLP episode as well).

As soon as work ended and I ate, I went over to the petstore to buy Kai's food. I never felt so proud. I also kept in mind of the infection drops and decided I'd get that just in case something happened. Little did I know later on that day he would be showing signs of weakness.

I tried feeding him, two pellets. Not too much food for such a little shy guy. He wouldn't touch it and I was shocked. Jetta always hungrily ate his food without a doubt yet when it came to Kai he just swam past the floating tablets, not caring. I decided that he was probably a bit nervous about his new home, but in the back of my mind I worried for him. Eventually I acted on my worries and crossed the street to ask the woman who worked at the pet store if the food I bought was okay or if I should buy another kind of food. She said he was probably not used to his new home and was still adjusting.

So I waited. Waited. Waited. Checked on him, took out the pellets. Waited. Waited. Waited. Put two new pellets just in case he was hungry. He swam past them. Waited. Waited. Waited. Rinse and repeat.

I decided that while I made Jetta's character to be a bit of a snob and easily angered, Kai would be a shy timid little fish who was anorexic due to his lack of appetite. A scrawny guy for sure.

As hours passed, worry grew in me as I noticed that he started moving less and less. I started posting on facebook since I began even more concerned as he started floating at a 90 degree angle while having random spouts of energy of struggling before staying still once more. I just didn't know what to do. The pet store was closed and whatever I did, nothing seemed to work. I called my mom over and she seemed to share my concern. She said we should wait till morning and just hope that this is some kind of phase and then check out the pet store. My grandma shook her head and said that he was sleeping. My boyfriend seemed indifferent because Kai was 'just a fish'.

I felt really panicked. I would check up on him and lightly tap his bowl as my friend on Facebook suggested me to do. It was a relief that both her, Bunny, and my kitty were around to be there for me emotionally. I liked looking away from the screen and the fishbowl to see Princess there. It calmed me a bit. 

But now I can pretty much say that after a hour or two of a slow death, Kai has finally passed away.

RIP Kai / "Kooki" / "K"

12/02/12 - 12/04/12

Hola Xanga~!,

It's been two months (or has it been three?) since I've written in you. I guess this blog will forever be known as the rant blog and that everyone who glances at this will believe that secretly I'm a big scary evil dragon due to how much I whine, curse, and complain on this blog. I wish I could write all the lovely things that happen in my life, I have lots of happy moments... Thing is, I'm usually too busy enjoying the happy moments to be posting them on my blog... Bummer.

But yeah, I guess I should explain the title of this post. "I Believe I Can FLY" is a name of a song, but it's also what I've been doing the past several weeks. Flying. Now I don't mean the awesome but terrifying 'jumping off a plane' flying, I mean the normal typical 'sitting on a plane' flying. I went to Europe in the end of July and came back recently on the 6th of September. I got to spend time with my brother, learn more about the Spanish language, and experience so many lovely things that it definitely makes me smile despite how 'blehish' my mood currently is at the moment. I'm a very lucky girl to have experienced this and to have been fortunate enough to have this experience. I'm eternally grateful.

Now to the dark and gloomy (sorry xanga).

My aunt officially passed away today 5:00 am Eastern Standard Time in Florida. 

There it's official. What I feared came into reality and I did not get the opportunity to see her before she took her last breath. It makes me feel horrible, but at least I know that she died a peaceful death and is free from the pain and suffering she has been experiencing for the past couple of months. As a niece I sadly did not get to spend much much time with her, but I must say that I did feel rather bonded to her. (It's for a moronic reason I must admit). However she is the only (or was I guess) relative from my father's side of the family that felt my love for cats. She had a pet cat, she fed the stray cats in her backyard. I felt close to her, I felt like we had that one thing in common that strung us together since the rest of my family on my father's side is basically allergic to cats and whatnot.

It's a lame reason. But I felt bonded, close to her. I've been told that I looked like her during her youth and honestly it makes me tear up that I never got to know her better. She loved the beach, she loved animals, she had a peaceful aura around her, and sadly enough she was just as much of a smoker as my father. I should be happy, glad that I had the opportunity to meet her, to spend time with her, and to know her. However I can't help but feel greedy and sad that I lost her, physically that is. I mean I know she'll be looking down upon my tiny self and be there for me (kinda). I've been doing my best to keep calm, to take deep breaths, to take it easy. I can't.

I feel restless.

Restless.

And to make things kinda worse, (school wise that is) I must skip two more days of classes. The funeral is on Friday and the flight that is available to go on is on Thursday afternoon. This means that I must skip Figure Drawing and Stop Motion once again. Two out of three strikes in the beginning of the semester. It makes me wonder if this makes me a horrible student or just a student thrown in a bad situation. Wrong place, wrong time. I want to do good. I want to succeed. I just hope this doesn't ruin it for me... Not that I want to be greedy and think only about myself, but this is my education. If I blow it, then I will be paying for it badly in the long run. It frustrates me, but whatever. It'll all pass. It'll all pass, I tell myself.

I want to brush this off, I want to be strong, I want to be able to reassure myself that I'll be fine, that this will all pass.

But I am not strong. Frankly enough I know this but I deny this. I rather try my best to keep a strong front, a smile on my face, a skip in my step, a twirl that expresses joy instead of pure sorrow.

A 'bad' girlfriend.

Well I snap, I bite, I claw. I whine, I complain, I forget.

I'm not perfect and I'm eternally grateful that my boyfriend understands this. However another 'monthy' will go by without being able to spend our precious time together to show each other how much we care for one another. I know it may not mean much to him (or maybe it does) but yeah it means a lot to me, especially since this is the monthy before our big anniversary. I just feel horrible that once again I'll be leaving on a plane to a faraway place and not be able to spend our special day together. It means a lot to me.

Though he'll growl at me once he finds this. He doesn't like it when I put myself down, but honestly, this is what I think. Not lying on my own blog thankyouverymuch.

But whatever, sick of typing. I'm gonna do something else.

Ciao Xanga,

Carprincessii

Dear Xanga,

It's been a short while since I've typed here on Xanga... But that is because, in all honesty, I don't remember to come back here and post journal entries. It's not the first thing on my to-do list and I do this just for my own enjoyment so I could look back and reminisce about how I talked/thought/spoke back then. However lately I guess I've been experiencing the worst of my days due to feeling lazy, slothful, and just blah. I mean I'm all smiles, usually and always, but my thoughts have been taking a negative turn and my artist's block is still heavy.

I guess turning 20 has been nothing but bad luck I suppose.

However, I'm sure that creativity will soon once again flow through me like a river. I really need to kick it up in high gear if I ever want to do anything with my life. It hurts that I feel the need to express myself throughly and fully through this online blog that is basically open to the public, but I can't do this in a journal or a word document. I'd lose it some way or another and then would regret it in the future for not having some sort of hard-core evidence of my train of thought of the past. It's important of me to write these things so I always remember. My memory is bleh and reading these entries and rereading them is always a pleasure.

Now back onto the 'dark point' of my life, I guess I should start out by saying... No I'm not experiencing a life crisis nor am I depressed in any way, sort, or manner. I call it a dark point because of all the negative emotions and thoughts that swirl in the back of my mind every single day. I'm getting older and older yet my list of accomplishments seem to shrink instead of expand. I look at my mother and see myself in twenty years praying not to end up like her. She's a wonderful person, a great mother now ever since she's stepped up to the plate, but I never ever want to end up like her. She's unemployed, single, and her list of accomplishments is overshadowed by my grandma who I admire with every fiber of my petite being.

Now being unemployed is okay to defend my mother. The work environment in the year of 2011 is tough, especially for a woman who hasn't picked up any work experience as of lately due to always being employed by my grandma in the bar we used to own. However there have been beacons of hope as talk has been going on about my mom possibly working with an elderly couple to do errands for them. Being single is okay as well in her defense. However it would be nice to see my mom go out and have a good time with a companion of some sorts. When she dated her previous boyfriend Hugo, it was obvious she was not really head-over-heels in love, but he was someone who brought life to her usual dull days by the computer screen/television screen. He was someone who despite being older than her, was a great person to go out with since he was not a drunk/smoker/drug-user. He was great and I understand their chemistry was not exactly there, but I'm sure they enjoyed each other's company while it lasted.

But whatever, back to me. I don't want to be overly critical of my mother if she's been nothing but awesome towards me, but this is a place to vent and here I am venting.

As for myself... I've been lazy. I haven't drawn a decent thing in weeks when I had been uberly excited about starting the summer vacation to get back into high gear. I keep telling myself 'today will be the day' and then keep putting it off for the next day. Things come up, I attend to them and keep pushing my creativity out the window in the process. How could I be a great animator if I haven't animated shit. My deadline of graduation is coming up soon (two years) and I'm half-way out of college... Yet I haven't accomplished anything worth showing. I may be booksmart, but I need experience. I need to work on a project. I need to make a name for myself. I'm twenty years old gosh darn it. The world doesn't wait for no one, no matter how cute I may be.

Relationships. I'm still with my beloved boyfriend who I'm extremely lucky to have. I love him so much yet I feel as if I am not worthy enough for him. I know he tells me otherwise that I'm an angel, that I'm beautiful, that there's no one else like me that he has met. But... What if I'm not as beautiful as he perceives me to be? I mean I have my slightly selfish moments, I have my moments of extreme nerdiness when it comes to video gaming, roleplaying, ect. It's odd to say, but I've let him down EVERY single special occasion I had to plan as of date. Surprises get ruined, expectations get shot. Yet he still stays by my side wanting to become better for me.

However not all is bleak, in the past month I do feel as if I've had many heart-to-hearts with him. One being a game that came out of the blue. We both seemed to admire and enjoy the "Surviving Highschool" game as nerdy as that sounds and had been able to converse about it in a way that I actually never  expected before. It was a pleasant surprise and it makes me wish we got more of those moments. Those moments we realize that something totally left-field is something we both enjoy. It's like a magical spark and it engulfs us in a bright light that makes us go 'oohhh' 'aaahhh' with every miniature firework.

What else that has been good that happened? Well for once, (and I'm not sure if he was entirely truthful about this) my boyfriend seemed to be relatively comfortable with my best friend forever. Not feeling like a third wheel, actually engaging in conversation, making jokes, realizing similarities that I've been seeing between them all along. It's been real comforting, because... (I got to stop these stupid emotional tears) I want these two men deeply involved in my life, but if they can't get along or stand being in the same room together, it'll tear me apart. I know it's rather selfish of me to want this... But it's important for me to have the two of them to get along and actually like each other. In the future I want to be close to both of them. I want to have them hang out and actually have fun without me having to worry about one feeling neglected or judged by the other. I want to express the importance of this to my boyfriend, to see what he thinks about it, to know that every single effort me makes is extremely important to me. I'm very appreciative that he came to my best friend's graduation, despite the fact that due to entertaining the both of them, I was not able to be conversing with the others who wanted to speak to me, thus becoming rude in their eyes.

And that's the thing that bothers me. Whenever I go to parties I always feel obligated for too many things at once. It used to be just fine: smile, converse, be myself, enjoy the rare moments of seeing people I barely get to spend time with. Now it's trying to enjoy the party, while making sure that my boyfriend doesn't lag behind and get bored. I mean it'd be easier if he attempted to speak more and be more social, but naturally we are opposites and that would be too much to ask him to act not-like himself for a party. He already does so much by making attempts to dance with me on the dance floor that it makes me feel awful about the whole social thing. However I think it is because of this that all my relatives are starting to believe that I myself am becoming anti-social because I am not approaching them and speaking to them. I don't want to appear like that, but if I do go talk to them, who will be with my boyfriend? And if I drag him into my conversations with my relatives he'll just stand/sit there and do nothing... Which is just as bad.

I don't know and I never want to bring up things like that. I'm too selfish and demanding. Which is why I consider these negative thoughts apart of my 'dark times'. If only I could just wipe them away completely. But I can't, I need to deal with it. Find a solution. Make myself and my boyfriend more comfortable. Perhaps spend a day or two showing pictures of relatives, indicating which ones speak English (so he could speak to) and what things that both he and them may have in common so he could feel more comfortable with him. I dunno. It's heart breaking.

Nag, nag, nag. It's all I've been able to do. Conflicting emotional baggage that only I can bare to carry. Nag, nag, nag.

Oh something else, I'm going to Spain... Honestly more worried than psyched but I put a smile on my face and nod like I'm supposed to. Many people would die to be in my high-heeled shoes and I cannot take my family's gift with a sour face. Like a spoiled child who doesn't appreciate the gifts one is given in life. My father really has been wanting me to go on this trip, my grandma and mom as well. I'm going, it's official. deal with it. Though what worries me is that no matter what I do, the academy refuses to accept any form of payment for me to take and enjoy my classes. The trip when explained to me is just 'blah blah blah' (a blur of hopping from plane to plane) and all I could think of is that I'd rather be in Florida with my father now so I could see my sick aunt before it's too late. It's too late now though. It's official. deal with it.

I've avoided this last year and the years before that. I'm doing it now.

It's 12:38 AM, I've been typing for like a hour. A hour of nagging and whining to a online journal for the public to read. Does that bother me? Not really. The virtual web that we surf on daily is filled with so much news and stuff that my pitiful ranting is nonsense to the public eye. The cheerful 4'9" girl is letting out her negativity in hopes of getting rid of the load and moving on with life. I hope it works. And if it doesn't then I guess that's just too bad. Frowning won't be getting me anywhere. A smile will have more of an impact on those around me, will help those around me, and in the long run will benefit me 'cause smiling makes the world go round and it's contagious. I'm catching it whether i like it or not. I shall be strong like my grandma and will not allow myself to wallow in self-pity for too long.

Feeling waaaay to lazy to type,

Carprincessii